I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
