went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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