Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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