i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
