i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
