I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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