she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
