i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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