i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
