Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
