i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
