Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize
