literally had 100 drinks last night.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
