You're my little dorito
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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