Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
