oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Randomize
