Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
and you said cock pushups were impossible
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
