She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
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