I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
tell me about the eggs
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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