Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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