haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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