found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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