For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
