Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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