Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
