There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
