Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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