Swine flu. Run for my life!
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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