You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
