one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
