took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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