I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
