I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
