Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
