I CAN MOONWALK!
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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