I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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