i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
