So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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