i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
