Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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