apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
he's single and there are thong briefs.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
