I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
