So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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