I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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