if i can run in heels then i can drive
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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