shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
