The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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