I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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