Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
