Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
