Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize