My liver just broke up with me...
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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