And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
