Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I did not marry a roomba.
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