I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
worst night to have a conscience
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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