So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
