I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Randomize