Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
