Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
