By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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