you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
