You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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