He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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