The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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