I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
