it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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