i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
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