just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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