dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
