i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Randomize
