"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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