someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
