Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
