It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Randomize
